The Merchant of Yu Yu Kai
by crankyhermit
Summary: The Merchant of Venice rewritten. Not by Shakespeare.


Author's notes: 

Another antiquated parody, written aeons ago. (one of my very, very early works, doncha know?) Absolutely, unabashedly AU. And politically incorrect jokes. Expect spoilers for the manga. 

It isn't character-bashing if it's done with luuurve~! Just call it a little friendly S & M, if you get my meaning?

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The Florist of _Yu*Yu*Kai_

A YYH adaptation of William Shakespeare's _The Merchant of Venice_.

Produced & Directed by: queasy/qwerty.

Starring: characters from Yoshihiro Togashi's YYH manga series.

Cameos by random cockroach and at least two non-YYH characters.

* * *

****

Act One

It was a lovely day for walking in the park. The sun was shining, the breeze was refreshingly cool, and flowers were blooming. Kurama sighed, feeling inexplicably glum. His mood was not being helped at all by the perky and nosy presence of Kuwabara and Botan, who were at that moment laying bets on the cause of his depression.

"It's got to be all that money Koenma borrowed and disappeared with," insisted Kuwabara. "Goodness knows when, if ever, he will return it." 

"No, it's that horde of screaming fangirls that found out his address and sing serenades under his window night and day whether he's in or not." Secure in the knowledge of her rightness, Botan mentally calculated how much more she would need to get her favourite kimono dry-cleaned. 

Kuwabara found the notion hard to credit. "How can having such a large female fanclub be a bad thing?" he protested. 

"They don't sing very well," Botan clarified. Kuwabara considered the ramifications of that, nodding slowly. 

"Hmm..." 

"It's not either of those things," Kurama told them in a pained tone. At least, it hadn't been, until those two had so helpfully brought them up. He inhaled deeply of the lovely spring air, trying to clear his mind of unhappy thoughts.

"Maybe it's PMS," suggested Botan seriously, still puzzling over the cause of Kurama's depression. The admittedly rather feminine-looking boy graced her with a very black stare for her trouble, then transferred that very deadly look to Kuwabara when the taller boy choked on his guffaws.

"Ah, that's Yusuke-- I think it's time to go to school," exclaimed Kuwabara, glad of any excuse to leave now that Kurama had definitely snapped out of his depression into a far less congenial mood. Grabbing the startled Yusuke, who had only just arrived and had no idea what was up, Kuwabara took off at a dead run. Botan babbled something about fetching souls and vanished also. 

"Hn. Stupid humans," muttered Hiei, appearing beside Kurama, who smiled, anticipating the fun of teasing the dour fire demon. It would be a pleasant distraction from his unwonted bad mood. 

"So~," purred the fox demon in an insinuating tone he knew drew Hiei nuts, "I heard you visited some lady demon in the Makai with presents~ Who is it?"

Uncharacteristically, Hiei ignored his gibe and gave him a direct look he was very rapidly learning to dread. "I need to borrow something." 

"What in the Makai are you up to now?" asked Kurama wearily. "You've been borrowing things every time you see me for the past I-forget-how-long! Who is it for?"

"Mukuro," came the short reply.

"Mukuro?" The stunned note in Kurama's voice was unmistakable. 

"She's great." A touch of defensiveness could be heard in Hiei's quick response.

"Great?" Kurama echoed, still looking a little pole-axed. 

"She can pound the stuffing out of anyone," Hiei felt compelled to explain. (Hiei, you may have noticed, is more than a little odd... just look at the sort of flower he gave Mukuro on her birthday...) 

"Uh, that's great," Kurama agreed weakly, not knowing what else to say.

"So are you going to lend me what I need?" demanded Hiei impatiently. Kurama sweatdropped.

"I don't have anything on hand right now," he protested. "You used up the last of my herbs the last time you came in with a hole in your stomach, and Koenma borrowed all my savings that I was going to use to replenish my stock. Wait," he said, seeing disappointment flash across his friend's face, "Tell me what you need. I'm sure I can borrow it from someone." 

* * *

Mukuro sat with her maid, Keiko, feeling much vexed with the world. "I feel like pounding someone," she grumped, shifting restlessly on her throne. Keiko quickly refilled her glass before her mistress found another cause for annoyance. "What a stupid way to choose a henchman! It's almost like lottery!" 

"You've got to admit it's a good way to find out if the applicant thinks the way you do though," offered Keiko cautiously as a form of consolation. "And the conditions make sure no cowards will dare come bother you." 

"Nobody has come to 'bother' me in a very long time, Keiko," growled Mukuro impatiently. "I want to pound somebody, but there's no one at a convenient distance!" She slammed a fist into the table, smashing it. "It's not that I don't like Hiei's present, but the old fool talks too much, and this stupid test he came up with...!" 

Keiko wondered why Mukuro bothered to listen to her father, who was currently serving time as a potted plant, courtesy of Hiei, but wisely kept her thoughts to herself. She had to find some way to appease Mukuro though, before the powerful demon wrecked more of the furniture. "Maybe you can make the next person to seek an audience agree to the test and conditions?" She shuddered at the way this made her lady's eyes light up in anticipation. Keiko was not a cruel girl by nature, but this seemed to be the best way to divert Mukuro's restless energy. She hoped devoutly that no one came seeking an audience anytime soon. 

Some minor demon lackey came grovelling in just then. "The bishounen genius Youzen, Prince of China, wishes an audience with you, Lady Mukuro!"

* * *

"Lend you money?" Yomi gave the two demons in his audience chamber a skeptical look. Kurama smiled and nodded in agreement, proving that Yomi had not misheard him. The youkai lord frowned in thought briefly, then, "Fine, but you'll have to pay interest." 

"Nope," replied the fox demon calmly, as if Yomi was the one approaching with a request. Yomi took a deep breath. 

"NOPE?" he shrieked. "You sent someone to blind me ('He was supposed to kill you,' corrected Kurama mildly, but Yomi ignored him), then you betrayed me and made me take part in that silly Tournament, lost me my third of the Makai, and now YOU WANT ME TO LEND YOU MONEY FOR NOTHING?!!"

"Yup." Even Hiei looked a little dubious at this. 

Yomi counted to ten silently, then gave his old nemesis a death's head grin (it wasn't his intention, but it was the best he could manage). "All right," he purred with gritted teeth, making his two visitors give him strange looks. "I'll lend you the money, and I won't demand interest, but I must have a guarantee that you will return it."

"Of course," agreed Kurama cheerfully. "What do you want as surety?" 

Yomi pretended to give the matter serious thought, but the pretense was rendered ineffectual by the faint smirk he could not suppress. "If you don't return me the money on time, I'll kill Shiori." 

"Okay." 

"Okay?" Hiei and Yomi echoed, sure they had heard wrongly. "Give Hiei the money."

"I said I'll kill Shiori," repeated Yomi disbelievingly. 

"That's your human mother, Kurama!" blurted Hiei, shocked. 

"I know, I said okay," assured Kurama breezily.

"Are you mad?" Hiei reached up to check his friend's temperature.

Grinning, Kurama leaned down and whispered, "He doesn't really want to kill her. He's just trying to scare me off since he doesn't dare turn down my request directly." Hiei blinked, then looked at Yomi and realized that the assessment was true. The demon lord was presently banging his head on a convenient stone pillar. He paused, swearing, and threw his wallet at them.

"ALL RIGHT YOU WIN! TAKE WHAT YOU WANT AND GO AWAY!!!"

****

end Act 1

* * *

****

Act Two

A strange beast, which resembled nothing so much as it did an overgrown lapdog, covered in long, silky, white fur, floated into the room where Mukuro and Keiko waited expectantly. "That's the prince?" asked Keiko incredulously.

A voice came from somewhere on the pony-sized dog's back. "Excuse me, have you seen something that looks like this?" The two strained, and saw, pointing at itself- 

"A cockroach!" exclaimed Keiko, while Mukuro reached for the bug-spray. 

"No," the voice corrected calmly as the roach shimmered and blurred into the form of a handsome young man (cameo No.1) with long, dark blue hair. "I'm searching for a cockroach. I have to find a cockroach before I can get back to my own series." 

"You must be the genius bishounen Youzen," Mukuro said grimly. "What are you doing here in a YYH fanfic?" 

"I have no idea," admitted Youzen with a shrug. "I'm in something of a hurry; my fellow characters can't do without me." He eyed Mukuro warily. She stopped cracking her knuckles, then indicated with a glance that Keiko should explain. 

"Uh, Youzen, we don't know where it is, *but*-" Keiko hastened to add, seeing him turn away, "You have to take a test before you leave! Or Mukuro will pound the stuffing out of you." 

"What test?" he asked levelly.

Mukuro grinned with unholy glee. "I need a new second-in-command, because my former second is incompetent. I also feel like pounding someone. Who do you think I should pound? If I like your choice, you can become my new second. Otherwise, I pound _you_." 

* * *

Koenma was, as usual, buried under mountainous stacks of paper piled nearly to the ceiling, or maybe higher. How anything could get itself done in this room remained, to date, an unsolved mystery. Or perhaps... Koenma frowned thoughtfully as an idea crept into his mind... perhaps that was why the room had not exploded from all the paper constantly being brought in! The work did itself! Smiling beatifically, he decided not to interfere in such a wondrous process and slid down in his massive chair to take a well-deserved break.

King Enma marched into his son's office in the Reikai, and looked about him. Paper piled in mountainous stacks nearly to the ceiling, and he was displeased at the way it had been allowed to accumulate. Evidently, Koenma had not been doing his job properly. "WHERE IS JUNIOR?" he roared. 

Startled awake, Koenma sat petrified in his chair at having been caught napping, then realized that his father couldn't see him under all the paper when Enma roared his question again. He was very glad that Botan was out collecting souls and George was occupied somewhere far, far away, or he would have already been pointed out. "JUNIOR?" 

Another (not-overly-bright) idea came to mind then, and Koenma deliberately altered his voice to sound like one of the harassed oni running all over the place. "Are you looking for Lord Koenma, King Enma?" 

"EH? YES, I AM LOOKING FOR JUNIOR," boomed his father in his great voice. Koenma scowled. He had been hoping to hear his father calling him Lord Koenma for some obscure reason, but even to his underlings, Enma never called him anything but Junior. How was he ever going to get any respect from anyone like this? He tried again, persistent. 

"You wanted to find Lord Koenma, King Enma?"

"YES, JUNIOR. DO YOU KNOW WHERE HE IS? I WANT TO TALK TO HIM ABOUT THE WAY ALL THIS WORK HAS PILED UP." 

Annoyance warred briefly with alarm in Koenma, then they decided to declare truce and ally against their common enemy. Thinking frantically, for Enma's tone was growing irritated at the delay, Koenma called out, "Lord Koenma has been smothered to death by the mountain of papers, King Enma!" He peeked through a crack between two stacks of paper to see the effect of his words, and goggled. 

Enma looked stunned, almost as if he was going to cry. "HE CAN'T BE DEAD! I NEVER MEANT TO PILE SO MUCH WORK ON HIM..." 

He was touched, his eyes misting over. He never knew his father cared so much! Repenting his lie heartily, Koenma climbed up a stack to show himself . "Eh, Dad, I'm all right, I was just joking!" Very bad mistake, he decided, seeing the grief evaporate, to be replaced by grim fury. "I've got to tell the Reikai Tantei about a mission," he yelped as an excuse and fled before Enma could deliver one of his infamous spankings. 

* * *

Hiei glared at Yusuke, who was gazing at him with a forlorn, pleading puppy-dog look. "Can I go with you to the Makai, _please_? Pretty please, with a cherry on top? I want to fight all those big, tough demons in the Makai~!"

"I'm not going to rescue you when you get in trouble," he snorted, trying to detach Yusuke from his leg. 

"I'll train very hard and become very tough so I don't need your help! Please~!"

Hiei dragged him a few more steps, then gave up. "All right, you can come along. But make sure you don't go challenging anyone you can't win!" 

"Thank you!!!" Yusuke hugged him delightedly, and ran off to look for Genkai before Hiei could run him through with his katana. 

* * *

"How about I become your second if I choose correctly, and you let me leave peacefully otherwise? You won't be able to pound me effectively," said Youzen calmly.

"And how do you know that?" growled Mukuro dangerously, insulted. Keiko began to edge cautiously towards the nearest exit. 

He smiled tolerantly as he brushed some minute speck of dust off his fluffy steed. "I'm a genius bishounen, " he said, as if that explained everything.

"So?"

"So, I stand around looking decorative and impressive. No one can pound me safely unless the plot requires me to be hurt and angsty. I'm sure you've got a character like that in your series too," he added with a knowing look.

Mukuro ground her teeth in frustration. "Kurama," she agreed, and tossed down her wine. Keiko hastened to refill it. "All right then. Now for the test." She gestured; a curtain raised on cue, revealing two shivering forms huddled in a corner. 

"Who should I pound? This extremely annoying, weak, and absolutely useless minor villain (insert name of any character from any series you think best fits the description-possible cameo)?" Mukuro paced and glared at the annoying fellow, feeling a sudden urge to pound him/her/it. She restrained herself and continued with the introductions. "Or my incompetent former second, who got me into this mess but might just be useful in the future? By the way, that potted plant in the corner is my Dad, who came up with this dumb test."

Youzen regarded the options thoughtfully, and spared the potted plant only a cursory glance, much to its relief. "Hmm..." he mused aloud softly, "the most obvious choice is likely to be the wrong one...therefore...I pick this one!" He pointed at the annoying minor villain. Keiko and Mukuro sweatdropped. 

"Isn't that the most obvious choice?" asked Keiko uncertainly. Youzen smiled innocently.

"Yes. May I go now?" They sweatdropped some more. 

"You don't want to become Mukuro's henchman?" asked Keiko disbelievingly. "She's ruler of one third of the Makai, and she can pound the stuffing out of anyone!"

"Big deal," scoffed the genius bishounen. "I can mimic the form and powers of anyone I please. I don't need to be anyone's henchman. And I'm prettier than you are. Bye!" He waved cheerily as he got on the giant lapdog, which shot out the windowless throne room, blasting a hole in the ceiling. 

Mukuro sighed and downed another glass. "Where do all these manga and anime series get so many genius bishounen anyway?" she complained to Keiko. "It's hard enough finding either a nerdy genius or a bimbo in real life, but there's a genius bishounen in almost every story! It's so annoying!" 

Keiko shrugged helplessly. "I don't know either. I suppose we should be thankful he didn't want to stay with us." 

Mukuro nodded wearily. "May all his kind choose likewise."

* * *

Kuwabara and Botan peered cautiously out the alley they had hidden in as Yomi came raging through the streets. 

"What do you think that was about?" wondered Botan, looking at the trail of destruction Yomi had left in his wake, very atypical of the cool, collected blind youkai lord.

"I dunno," said Kuwabara, looking at the ranting figure receding into the distance. "It sounded like he was shouting about his son and...face?" 

Botan felt a chill of foreboding run down her spine. "I hope Kurama can pay his debt on time," she whispered. "Yomi might decide to vent his anger on Shiori if he had the excuse. Let's go find Kurama. I think he's depressed again. Hiei left for Mukuro's territory yesterday."

* * *

Mukuro had finally shrugged off her foul mood, absorbed in a game of chess with Keiko. Naturally, that was when the minor youkai lackey came in again, whining about another visitor. Keiko carefully set the chess set aside as they waited to see what Fate had sent them this time.

"The Prince of Spooner Continent, Gateau Mocha!" announced the lackey, as a big, beefy, blonde man came in and struck a pose, showing off rippling muscles (cameo No. 2 or 3, depending on who you picked to be the annoying first option).

Keiko tried not to sigh too openly as she explained the rules and introduced the two options again. Prince Gateau did not appear to be listening. He was too busy posing. 

"So, who do you think I should pound? The annoyance or the incompetent?" asked Mukuro.

"Look at me!" cried Prince Gateau, striking another pose. Mukuro inhaled deeply.

"I'll take that as your answer." Keiko winced in sympathy. 

(Another censored scene.)

"Hah, I'm feeling much, much better." Mukuro beamed. She looked suspiciously at Keiko, who was speaking quietly with the poor lackey, who had come in again while she was...uh...occupied.

"Good news this time," Keiko quickly assured her. "It's Hiei." 

Mukuro grinned. "I wonder how he would do with this test..."

****

end Act 2

* * *

****

Act Three

"So what's the news in the Reikai?" asked Kuwabara anxiously as Botan came hurrying up to join him. 

Grimacing in real distress as she caught her breath, Botan began to babble. "I don't know for certain, but I heard one of the oni say that Koenma has been grounded and his allowance docked indefinitely! Kurama won't see his money again in this lifetime!" 

"Damn, I hope that oni's wrong or you misheard!" exclaimed Kuwabara in horror. "Kurama's got only a short time left before he must pay Yomi! Yomi is going to milk this chance for all it's worth!" 

"Shh, not so loud," hissed Botan suddenly. "Yomi's coming!" They both put on innocent faces as the demon lord stalked in, face grim. "How's everything going?" Botan managed to ask in her normal chirpy tone, realizing that Yomi couldn't possibly see their innocent looks. He stopped and scowled fiercely at them. 

"Don't pretend you haven't heard," snarled Yomi furiously. "You know very well that Shura's run away with Shigure!"

At this reminder, the two exchanged silly grins and suppressed giggles, as Kuwabara blurted out unwisely, "Well, he had been expressing interest in body pierc-"

"It was bound to happen eventually," cut in Botan quickly with a sharp glare at Kuwabara, who blanched at his slip of the tongue, hoping that Yomi didn't guess who had introduced them. "The way you control him..." she clucked disapprovingly, trying to distract Yomi.

"I'll kill him for this!" raved Yomi, stamping his foot in frustration. ('If you can find him,' mouthed Botan to Kuwabara in disgust.) "The rebellious little bastard!" ('Did you marry his mother anyway?' asked Kuwabara curiously, and was duly ignored.) "And Kurama is broke!" he continued, as if it were relevant.

"Shiori will die for this," determined Yomi suddenly, to their shock. 

"That's ridiculous!" cried Botan. "What do you want to kill her for?"

"To make Kurama unhappy," he cackled, rubbing his hands gleefully. "He has sent an assassin after me, betrayed me twice, killed off my second-in-command, made me lose my kingdom and take part in some silly tournament! Time for payback! Besides, misery loves company; I lost my son, he shall lose his mom!"

The two stared at the obviously insane Yomi in disgust. A cockroach came scuttling up then, and bumped into Yomi's shoe. 

"Urgh, another Yomi-thingie," grumbled Kuwabara. "There can't be a third thing as vile in this story, unless the writer does a self-insertion." They left quickly, gladly abandoning the stage to the Yomi-thingies, who looked (justifiably?) horrified at these words.

The cockroach shook its feelers at the uncaring sky indignantly. "What do you mean by calling me a Yomi-thingie?! In what way do I look like a Yomi?!"

Yomi squawked with equal fervor. "In what way do I resemble a cockroach?!" 

__

(Cue self-insert: qwerty pauses and moves the camera backstage for a brief explanation, assuming a professorly manner.

Okay, let's put them side by side for comparison if you really want to know. Well, six ears, six legs, what's the big difference? Then there's the matter of Yomi's two downward pointing horns, which really look like feelers to me. Doesn't his face look like an aerial view of a cockroach? At least in outline?

Feeling smug and self-satisfied, qwerty waves the cameraperson back to focus on the huffy Yomi-thingies.)

"Not at all!" raged both Yomi-thingies in harmony. They glared at each other suspiciously at first, then grunted grudging acknowledgment of a common cause.

"All right," growled Yomi, wanting to get the entire business over with as soon as possible. "What news from Mukuro's kingdom? Have you found Shura?"

The cockroach wore a pained expression as it replied, not least because Yomi had stepped on one of its feet in his excitement. "I went everywhere the travel agency said they were going, but found no trace of them at all, not even an earring."

"@#$%!! All those years and resources I spent training Shura and building up my reputation, gone, GONE! I should have punched a hole in him when he asked to get his ears pierced! Stuck" Yomi stamped his foot again, and the little insect took the opportunity to scuttle out from under his shoe. "No news of them? And now everyone knows he ran away to learn the art of body-piercing from Shigure! !@#$%^*&!!!"

"Kurama's also had some ill luck!" screeched the cockroach in panic, trying desperately to mollify Yomi as he began a mad dance of rage, hopping from foot to foot, dangerously close to the little Yomi-thingie. 

"What, what, what? Ill luck, ill luck?" His eyes were shining with an unhealthy light now, and the cockroach shuddered. 

"Koenma took off with all his money and there's no way he's ever going to be able to return it." 

"Is it true? You are certain?" gasped Yomi in feverish delight. "What marvelous news, my dear cousin!" The cockroach braced itself to tell Yomi the rest.

"Shura, last I heard, got four nose-rings, among others." 

"Thou stick'st a dagger in me, cousin. Four piercings! Just the nose!" 

"A lawyer said Kurama will have to declare bankruptcy within the week."

"Yes! I'll plague him! I'll torture him! Yes!"

"He said Shura had leashed a monkey to one of the nose rings." 

"@#$% him! Why not a wilderness of monkeys while he's at it?!"

"But Kurama is most certainly finished," it reminded Yomi again.

"Yes, that's true, very true. Go, cousin, get someone keep tabs on him and Shiori. I want to make sure they don't run away when it comes time to pay the price. Kurama will make Hiei unhappy, and Hiei will annoy Mukuro, and Mukuro will vent it on Shigure and Shura. Go, go, report to me when it's done."

* * *

"Hurry up and choose," hissed Mukuro impatiently, waving vaguely at the two cowering fools in the corner. Hiei gave her a vexed look. 

"Ch. If you want to pound someone just go ahead and do it. What do you need excuses for?"

"I just want to know what you think," she protested. "I can't decide on who to pound."

"Hn. Pound both of them then," he sniffed scornfully.

"Choose!" Her voice took on a flat, dangerous tone. Hiei glared back defiantly.

"Who came up with this dumb notion anyway?" She pointed at the potted plant, who wilted visibly as his crimson eyes fixed on it in clear displeasure. 

"Pound him."

A radiant smile like a nuclear reactor meltdown lit up her face, and he found himself smirking in response. "Let's do it together," she said shyly. The smirk widened into a grin as he started to pull off the interfering black cloak-

"Lady Mukuro! Hiei!" Yusuke and Keiko burst in, hand in hand. "Uh, did we interrupt something...?" asked Yusuke hesitantly, seeing Hiei halfway out of his cloak. The two demons gave him very icy stares. "Uh, never mind. Keiko has agreed to marry me!" he bubbled enthusiastically, then began easing out the door again as their glares did not thaw measurably. 

Shigure poked his head in at the door, blocking Yusuke's escape route. Shura peered in at a safe distance from his teacher's extremely inconvenient weapon. "Hey, Hiei," said Shigure cheerfully. "Yomi is demanding Shiori's life 'cos Kurama can't pay what you borrowed." 

"What is this?" demanded Mukuro. Hiei told her. "Ch! Now the mood is all spoilt. Here, take this money and pay off that old cockroach, then we can continue where we left off. Go on, hurry!" She herded Hiei and the bewildered newly engaged couple out, then regarded her remaining two guests speculatively. 

"So what have we here?" she asked, with more good humor than might have been expected. Perhaps it had something to do with the monkey doing backflips on Shura's head. 

"Hi, I'm Shura! I'm learning body-piercing techniques from Shigure! It's cool! You want a nose-ring too?"

* * *

"I don't want money! I want revenge!!!" _squish_ "Cousin roach? Where did you go? Hey, answer me!"

****

end Act Three

* * *

****

Act Four

They were all assembled in the court, eyeing each other warily. Kurama sat on a bench, head in his hands, in an attitude of defeat and weariness, while Hiei hovered by him grimly, glaring at Yomi, who grinned like a mad creature, rubbing his hands together in anticipation. Yusuke and Kuwabara stood guard in battle-ready stances over the unconscious Shiori, who was held in stasis, pending Enki's decision on the matter. The tension in the courtroom was oppressive. Any false move and likely all those present would start a karaoke session, just to relieve the stress. They already had - what, three or four Music Battle CDs already. One more probably wouldn't hurt, but they... weren't precisely the best of singers...

"Are you sure you want to kill Shiori?" asked Enki cautiously, with a slightly sympathetic glance at the seriously depressed fox demon. "Kurama's been having a very difficult time, and he hasn't really done anything bad to you lately, you know. Why not just leave them be a while? I'm sure he will find some way to pay you-"

"He knew well enough I would kill his human mother if he couldn't pay on time," screeched Yomi shrilly, gesticulating wildly at a startled demon, who backed away hastily, eyes wide. "There is no excuse! We had an agreement! I just want to kill someone! I want everyone to be as miserable as I am!" 

Enki's head hurt. He knew there was a good reason why he hadn't wanted to be a ruler like Raizen, and lived in seclusion all these years. But he'd joined the silly Tournament for fun, to see how his power measured against the rulers of the Makai, without finding out the prize, and now he was stuck in this silly job. Rubbing his temples wearily, he glanced at Kurama, whose protective friends glared back warningly.

"Hn. Here's your money," sniffed Hiei, holding out Mukuro's purse at arm's length, not wanting the Yomi-thingie to come any closer than necessary (after all, Yomi-thingies tend to frequent dustbins and other filthy places, don't they?). Yomi ignored the bracketed comment with an air of offended dignity. 

"I don't want Mukuro's money; the agreement was that Kurama should pay me within a certain period, not that I should be paid when you feel like it. I'm going to kill Shiori." Folding his arms, he grinned smugly at the smouldering fire demon and his outraged companions.

"Yomi," Enki tried again, in as reasonable a tone as he could manage. 

"I have the right to kill Shiori! Now will you let me do it?!" interrupted Yomi rudely. 

Enki frowned, and seemed about to speak when a minor demon functionary crept up to him and whispered in his ear. The ruler of all the Makai blanched. "Is it true?" he asked in alarm. The trembling demon nodded so earnestly he seemed about to break his neck. "Let her in then," he decided. Everyone looked at him questioningly, then turned to the door when it swung open to reveal - Mukuro!

She did not look pleased. Everyone began to sweat. "What are you doing here?" asked Hiei in tones of extreme caution. 

"I got tired of waiting. What is the delay?" she demanded of Hiei frostily.

He twitched uneasily, and glared at Yomi, as if to say it was his fault. Which it was, after all. "I want to kill Shiori," Yomi insisted, advancing on the oblivous human. Hiei and the others stepped between them. Mukuro frowned. Evidently no one was going anywhere until matters were resolved.

"You won't take the money?"

"No."

She pounded the stuffing out of him, then turned back to Hiei, dusting off her hands casually. "Now, shall we go?" she beamed. He grinned back, and pulled a stunned Kurama forward. 

"This is Kurama. Kurama, this is Mukuro," he introduced.

Mukuro eyed the fox demon with interest. "This is the one who's been lending you money, herbs and everything?" He nodded. "Nice to meet you," she told Kurama shortly, and lugged Hiei off. 

Kurama studied the twitching Yomi-thingie on the floor (yes, he's not dead, those things are tough, I tell you!)with a bemused expression. "You're right Hiei," he murmured absently. "She *is* great." 

****

end Act Four 

* * *

****

Act Five (Epilogue)

Hiei and Mukuro returned to her palace without incident (well, not counting the times they stopped to pound any unfortunate demon they chanced across), and had a great time pounding Mukuro's potted father. Shura learned fast, and soon was ready to start his own body-piercing practice, though he always respected and kept in contact with his teacher. Yusuke and Keiko were happily married, though later she found out he was a hentai delinquent, and he found out she packed a really good punch (hey, she was bound to have picked up _something_ from her long service with Mukuro). Yomi survived, and didn't get either his money or son back. King Enma found out about Koenma's debt and returned the money to Kurama, with the result that Koenma's allowance for the next century was docked. Shiori woke with no memory of what happened, and cooked dinner for the family. And- 

"I've finally figured out why I was feeling so depressed," said Kurama grimly. "What am I doing in this ridiculous play where Mukuro plays the role of a beautiful, intelligent heiress and Hiei is her dashing suitor?"

****

THE END 

(aren't you relieved?)

* * *

****

Cast( in order of appearance)

Kurama as Antonio  
Kuwabara & Botan as Salerio & Solanio  
Yusuke as Gratiano  
Hiei as Bassanio  
Mukuro as Portia  
Keiko as Nerissa  
Yomi as Shylock  
Youzen (from Houshin Engi) as the Prince of Morocco  
??? as the Gold Casket  
Mukuro's former second (name unknown) as the Silver Casket  
Mukuro's fat lecher Dad as Portia's father, Hiei's gift and the Lead  
Casket (useful isn't he?)  
Koenma as Launcelot Gobbo _and_ Antonio's ship  
Enma-Daioh as Old Gobbo  
Gateau Mocha (from Bakuretsu Hunters) as the Prince of Arragon  
Random cockroach as Tubal  
Shigure as Lorenzo  
Shura as Jessica  
Shiori as Antonio's pound of flesh  
Enki as the Duke

Assorted minor characters as Assorted minor characters  
  
comments, complaints, criticism or cowpats all welcome.


End file.
